He disciplines those He loves.

Leaning into discipline is hard for me. You’d think it would be easy since I’ve been known to be extremely hard on myself. My own worst critique. Bawling and begging people for forgiveness when I’ve done something wrong. Going into a depressed mood for hours or days after a failure.

To quote my Christian therapist, “Sometimes we are really hard on ourselves to avoid others ever saying anything hard to us.”

Ouch.

I resemble that comment.

Have I mentioned that I have a love/hate relationship with my therapist? Somedays I think she’s wonderful. Other days I dread talking to her again. But, when I see the improvements in my life, I know I have to keep going, and that she has been a gift from God.

But.

She is like a lie-detector machine. I can’t get by with anything. She calls it all to light. All. Of. It.

I just keep reminding myself of that verse in Hebrews.

God disciplines those He loves.

And while I have survived my fair share of abuse and other traumas. If I truly want to heal and truly want to become the person God wants me to be–I need to see the part I am contributing all on my own. I need to be told that feeling shame is a choice. I need to understand, so I can change, the habits of thinking and reacting which are feeding the worry worm in my brain.

I want to starve that worm.

I want it to die.

Someday, I hope to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant.”

Until then, to paraphrase Churchill, “I will keep buggering on.”

Author: justsaltwriter

I am a writer living in America. A Christian hoping to live up to that name. This is my anonymous blog. I am in recovery from abuse and on this blog I will touch on those topics. I hope to obey Jesus and let my light shine in a world which is growing ever darker.

3 thoughts on “He disciplines those He loves.”

  1. It is rather haunting that some people view their relationship with a God this way.

    You do not need to endure any kind of abuse; physical or otherwise. If you worship a God who requires that you do; perhaps you should reconsider worshipping that. If a friend were to be a known abuser, would you worship their actions? If not; why not extend this behaviour to a God?

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  2. Hi Dalriada,
    Thank you for the comment. Please let me clarify that I do not believe that abuse is discipline. And I agree with you on this point: no one needs to endure any kind of abuse.
    No one is presently abusing me. I am a survivor of childhood abuses. To survive those abuses, I developed many tools which were helpful in childhood in the face of ongoing abuse; but not helpful in my adulthood relationships. Those tools I used (dissociation, self-sabotage, being reactionary instead of reasoning- to name a few), need to go now that I am a grown woman.

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