Leaning into discipline is hard for me. You’d think it would be easy since I’ve been known to be extremely hard on myself. My own worst critique. Bawling and begging people for forgiveness when I’ve done something wrong. Going into a depressed mood for hours or days after a failure.
To quote my Christian therapist, “Sometimes we are really hard on ourselves to avoid others ever saying anything hard to us.”
I resemble that comment.
Have I mentioned that I have a love/hate relationship with my therapist? Somedays I think she’s wonderful. Other days I dread talking to her again. But, when I see the improvements in my life, I know I have to keep going, and that she has been a gift from God.
She is like a lie-detector machine. I can’t get by with anything. She calls it all to light. All. Of. It.
I just keep reminding myself of that verse in Hebrews.
God disciplines those He loves.
And while I have survived my fair share of abuse and other traumas. If I truly want to heal and truly want to become the person God wants me to be–I need to see the part I am contributing all on my own. I need to be told that feeling shame is a choice. I need to understand, so I can change, the habits of thinking and reacting which are feeding the worry worm in my brain.
I want to starve that worm.
I want it to die.
Someday, I hope to hear “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
Until then, to paraphrase Churchill, “I will keep buggering on.”