Holes

sky ditch eye hole
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I call them our Bonus Children. God has blessed us with several. Some are full grown now and still come around at holidays or breaks from their jobs. A bit like what it will be like to have grandchildren, I suppose. The bulk of the responsibility and daily care is on someone else’s shoulders. But my BHH and I are blessed to have a sideline role wherein we can teach and love and even outright spoil (in a good way!).

Kids from across town who show up looking for part time work and end up doing more chatting than chores. With each one, I see God’s hand. This summer it’s been a teenage girl. She helps me do yard work and little things around our store.

Her story is hard. A lot like mine. Yogi Berra said you can observe a lot just by watching. I see behaviors in her that I still have; and had in excess at her age. The longing for intimacy, belonging, having a safe place. Trying too hard followed by just giving up entirely. A great longing and desire for intimacy creating such tension with the overwhelming fear of intimacy that comes when your family of origin has rejected you. Causing you to lash out at any who try to love you. Making the paranoid feelings and shame rise to a debilitating point. And then retreating back into a hole again.

I get it. I even think I know just how to go about drawing someone out of that deep hole. Even if I don’t always know how to do that for myself.

When I give this summers’ bonus child a ride somewhere she puts the radio exactly how she wants it. I love that she feels she can do that while riding in my car….well, I guess I did offer that we could listen to whatever she wanted…that one time…she has just gone ahead and taken the liberty ever since. (Teens!!) Before she even buckles up, she’s swinging the dial on the satellite radio to the right; as far as possible from my beloved southern gospel station.

I don’t always remember to switch the dial back. As a result, I have accidentally been hearing a lot of 80’s music. Another similarity : the girl even listens to the same music I did at her age. Which has been fun at times and shocking at others. I’m examining the lyrics with adult ears now. Yikes to some of it. How did I not hear THAT gross innuendo before?? Other songs are revealing deeper universal life truths which I never noticed as a kid myself.

Gwen Stefani joined my morning commute the other day belting out ‘do you really love me…underneath it all.’ Indeed. Relationally speaking, I wonder the same thing. If people really saw underneath the facade; would they actually love me? Messed up, fear riddled, sin-filled, me? And, wow, God does see it all. Does HE really love me? Underneath it all? Knowing that He does makes my view of Him more awe-filled.

Once Bitten Twice Shy is another one. So many songs talk about that universal struggle to trust yourself to a relationship after being bruised by another. With all this music on my mind it was inevitable that I’d start humming myself, the other morning. Words joined my humming and this little ‘thing’ I call HOLES is what I came up with.

If you know someone who has been bruised in a prior relationship, rejected, abused, or just been very hurt in general–please know that they may deeply want intimacy and relational closeness. Even if their actions toward you do not reflect that. At least, that’s how it is for me–and about a dozen bonus children who’ve come into my life.

Holes

Holes are deep.

Why do I dig

Further away from you

Further away from you

Holes are hard

Why do I want

To be further away from you

Further away from you

Holes are safe

That’s why I stay

Further away from you

Further away from you

I can’t stand

Life that way

Help me get close to you

Help me get close to you

Author: justsaltwriter

I am a writer living in America. A Christian hoping to live up to that name. This is my anonymous blog. I am in recovery from abuse and on this blog I will touch on those topics. I hope to obey Jesus and let my light shine in a world which is growing ever darker.

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